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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Trust me: I am not Holier Than Thou

I can’t seem to let myself enjoy this, the way I would like to….as some of you know I am home in Texas, unfortunately my father is ill, we have high hopes that he will fully recover, and. Well shit….he better cause I’m not quite done learning from him yet…So I’m in Texas…in Dallas at my parents house and its strange…I didn’t really prepare for this, how could I??? When you go home at the end of your service, they have a conference three months before you leave that not only helps prepare you for leaving Niger, but also for coming back to America. Its’ taken me a while to figure out, accept, and put into everyday practice that Niger, is not America, and Niger does not work like America, and that it takes adapting to the way Niger works in order to work and live successfully in Niger….Now, in a matter of days I am going to have to get used to how America works, and re=adapt myself back into America for a few weeks. So as I started out saying, I’m having a hard time letting myself enjoy my time here (I’ve enjoyed it very much so far, it’s just when my mother or friends ask me what it is I want to do while I’m here, I don’t really have any answers) I have a couple of theories as to why this might be. The first being , maybe I’m jet lagged and I really don’t know what it is that I want to do, maybe there are so many choices that I’m just overwhelmed by it all, and I rather curl up and read until its’ time to go back to Niger. This kind of crosses over into another theory, which Is that I don’t really think I’ve earned this time, and won’t let myself enjoy it…I mean I’m here to be with my father because he’s sick, and because I love him very much…and I really do miss my family, and my friends while I’m in Niger…but when I left America, I left with the intention of being gone for two years, and was looking forward to seeing who I was, and what America had become after those two years….maybe I feel like this is cheating, and that’s not letting me enjoy this time…and the last theory I have is that I traveled in planes over 5000 miles, more than 19 hours in a plane, from the poorest country in the world to the richest country in the world and because of that, I won’t let myself enjoy it…last night when my parents and I were having pizza and beer(real pizza, and real beer)… My mother offered me a dinner the next evening at a restaurant that would probably have cost me and my family 250+ dollars to eat at (I’d like to say that my parents are middle class, and they don’t pay for 250 dollar meals very much, my homecoming and my fathers sickness constitutes spending it I guess, but my parents aren’t lavish folk, my mother did complain recently that she feels like a bum driving my old run down 1999 camry into work, where she’s the boss, but she will continue to do so, cause they enjoy living a modest lifestyle, and a lifestyle full of giving, they have always been advocates of volunteerism (where do you think I got it from), and they give more of their money to more charities than I know), but the thought of spending that much money on a meal…more money than anyone in my village makes in a years’ time…I can’t do it…I was talking to a friend in Niger online today, this internet thing is amazing, anyways..I was telling him about how I was feeling, and he said that he was afraid that that was going tohappen to him to when he finished his service, and he was like, “your mom probably looked at you like you had this holier than thou attitude.” And I don’t want my family or my friends to think that I am judging them for anything they do/buy/say/anything…first of all I am friends with amazing people who are down to earth and I have an amazing family as well…second, THIS IS NOT NIGER…THIS IS AMERICA, and I have no right to judge anyone because the circumstance of Niger and America are extremely different…I told my friend, I think my biggest worry is that I’ll forget…I don’t want to forget how fortunate I am to have been given the many opportunities available to me just because of where I was born. I think, rather, I know that part of the reason I wanted to work for the Peace Corps was because I didn’t think that I appreciated all that I had, that I took it for granted and really didn’t fully value it….my friend was quick to point out that he didn’t feel like he was better off because he was from America, I pointed out benefits of America like health care and education and he said “I don't feel more fortunate because I don't see a difference in happiness level and death and illness happens everywhere, people here are as happy, if not more, than people in the states so sure, we get better medicine but it's hard for me to feel like I am more fortunate.” I remember blogging early on about how I felt that the average person in Niger was happier than the average person in America, and I still feel that way…The fact of the matter is that the way I feel is probably a large combination of all of these things put together, I’m tired from flying, I’m shocked at just being in America, and I’m scared because my dad is sick(this is a big one that I’m having a lot of trouble with, that I’m not really sure has hit me yet, my family has a really healthy outlook on life and we choose to live one day at a time because that is all we are truly promised, in light of many events in my life, both past and quite recent, this is all we can ask and hope for…one day at a time, and so I’m glad that I’m here with my dad today). And maybe this wasn’t expected, but yet another thing that I have learned in Niger, is that you can’t expect anything(unfortunately it took the AQIM to teach me that but whatev) , so I’m just going to have to let myself enjoy my time here with my family, however unexpected, it is fantastic to see them, and to see my friends, and to eat some sandwiches while doing so…Until Next Time – Ousmane